relationships and belonging: a hypothetical conversation

these roots are visible.
Location: Outer anks, North Carolina, United States.
Credit: kyrr kark

here is a script: speaker one: there's a chemistry between us. speaker two: yes, of course there is. mm! what are we going to do with it? speaker one: before we proceed, i should ask -- are you seeing anyone right now? speaker two: i'm looking at you right now. speaker one: you know what i mean. are you married? speaker two: not technically. i'm in committed partnerships. speaker one: oh, you're polyamorous. speaker two: sure. speaker one: but listen please to what i'm asking you. who do you belong to? and i want to share with you the answer that i'm given to understand is expected of me, of speaker two here. i believe what i'm meant to say is, speaker two: i belong to myself! and listen. lemme tell ya. i was innnnnn the script up until that moment -- i suppose another person might get offended with speaker one at some point. i don't get offended easily, except when i'm in the mood to get offended. if i'm experiencing a moment of mutual attraction with a compelling individual who may find themselves in my bedroom, i am usually not in the mood to take offense. so i'm not offended by the question, who do you belong to? but i can't tell you that i belong to myself. so i'm writing this blog post as an answer to that question, a straight-up, no bullshit, no holds barred honest answer to a challenging question. you don't know me, so you don't know how valuable this is. trust me. it's valuable. you're welcome. who do i belong to? i belong to the people. what people? on a practical level, the people in my life. including myself. listen, what are you asking me in that question, is what i want to know -- and it's a wonderfully compelling question -- you could be asking me, who all is going to find out that we fucked? or maybe you're thinking, am i getting into a world of trouble right now? or, is there someone around to take care of you if i throw your world into chaotic disarray? and, suppose you fuck up with me and i want to tell on you about it, can i do that? yes! yes! yes! yes! i find myself compelled by all these questions, and quite capable of discussing them all in a given context. i'm not going to lie to you and say that i belong to myself. that's an easy thing to say, and i have said it before. but it's not true. or at least, it's not the whole truth. i'm certainly responsible for my actions.... a little too responsible sometimes and not responsible enough other times, if i trust my lovers and therapists. without going into levity-breaking detail, i came into this world with elements of myself already not belonging to me -- we're talking about fate, disability, demons, ancestors, violence, and lies on lies on lies. and THEN i started living. and, for many years now, i have repeatedly chosen to be alive. and to tether myself to this plane of existence, what that means to me is a sharing -- i mean that you, even you, even a stranger, have a right to me in my eyes. not every right. let's not be ridiculous. i mean that in ways we might not yet understand, i belong to you -- and i am not willing to ignore that belonging. i belong to the people. are you people? i sure hope so. i'm not always sure what it means to be a person -- as a matter of fact, part of what living used to be for me was very anti-living. very anti-people, anti-relation in my way of being for reasons too complex to describe in this context, but which are, in some ways, universal. so i don't come towards personhood easily is what i'm telling you. but i come towards personhood -- towards belonging -- and i've tried to explain how. speaker two: and so with all that said, and i'm sorry, i know i go on at length, tell me please, what did you mean when you asked that question? did i list all the possible meanings? is there something else we might explore?